July 15, 2009
2010 Winter Games Announced!
Nezumi, Executive Director of the High Association of Mallets And Storm-chasing (H.A.M.A.S.), made the long awaited announcement today regarding the Winter 2010 Polesocking and Storm Chasing Olympium. The announcement came after months of silence from the organisation. While there is much speculation as to the cause of this silence, most analysts agree that is a result of the need for the players to adjust to the presence of a third team. Red and Blue team leaders Cammi Falls and Ilor have spent much time meeting with Israeli-Australian Coalition leader General Zachariah Bliss. However, now that the silence has been broken, all three teams are expected to gear up for this winter's games. The following is an excerpt from Today's press conference:
"It gives me great pleasure to announce the opening of this winter's Pole Socking and Storm Chasing Olympium. This will mark an historic first, in that three teams will square off to determine the ultimate champion. Long-time rivals Red Team and Blue Team will face off against the newly formed Israeli-Australian Coalition. As always, the Nomads, lead by the illustrious Clan of the Nomads, will be present to run zone defence, man defence, pass interference, industrial sabotage, political gerrymandering, and impersonal assassination. I am also able to announce the format for this winter's games, which appropriately enough focuses on winter arenas. Thanks to our dedicated team of technicians, our Reflective Weather Changing Satellites are now able to efficiently
create the supercells required for tornado formation in Antarctica, and, despite official protests from their respective governments, Canada and Russia. Due to the large size of this year's venues, vehicles will not be restricted by class. We expect to see all three teams fielding a variety of vehicles from snow mobiles and traditional dune buggies to low altitude reflective lazer spy planes to 18 ton+ 'megafortress' nuclear powered tread mounted mobile command bunkers. This year's venues are expected to undergo construction shortly, as soon as 'negotiations' with the Canadian National Guard are concluded. Please stand by."
Winter provides it's own unique challenges
Aaronjer, spokesman for the Multinational Organisation for Socking Storm-chasing And Dune-buggies (M.O.S.S.A.D.), has called for a major recruiting push to fill out all three teams, which had been decimated by last years aggressive tactics and suspiciously high level of life insurance coverage. If you are interested in joining a team, please see your local recruiter, or email email@example.com. If applying by email, please be sure to include your name, desired team, desired class placement, and all relevant data regarding your weapons proficiency, vertical leap, g-force tolerance, and next of kin.
We are greatly looking forward to this year's games, and hope to see everyone on the playingfield!
-Rogert McNolty, columnist
April 8, 2008
Funding Secured for New Guinea HQ
After the repeated attempts to burn down the Sydney Polesocking Headquarters by enraged Australian citizens, police and bystanders, the PS-A unilaterally decided to relocate the office to New Guinea. At this time, office furniture, supplies, equipment and personel are in-shipment from Sydney to the rich land of Papua. Officials advise locals not to be alarmed by the slow-moving, leaky flotilla of decommissioned Soviet nuclear warboats just off the Australian coast. Parents are advised to keep children from paddling out to the flotilla as they may become saturated.
Office foundation being laid in New Guinea
Initially, funding for the new headquarters was expected to come from a group of British private and public-sector cultural outreach agencies. However the deal quickly fell through when community leaders in London began speaking out against Pole Socking. The London Public Association's spokesman, Humphrey Chamberlain had this to say:
"How the bloody hell would funding those pole-smacking prats with their barmy plans be in the interest of this poxy community? I'll be beaverin' all day in my wellies to be sure they're not gonna blag two bleedin' quid from our trousers! Guvna! Bollocks!"
As expected, PS-A lawyers reacted with the usual slander and defamation lawsuits, which served to further enrage the Brits.
Then, as the gasoline fire raged on the lawn of the Sydney office, international billionaire J. P. Hallowell publicly announced his support for Pole Socking with a $30 million contribution. Hallowell, currently in custody of the newly formed Israeli-Australian Coalition Military Pole Socking Team, was not available for further comment.
-Ronald Pillowax, regional coordinator
May 20, 2007
Pole Socking under fire!
It appears someone let the cat out of the bag because Australia found out the PS-A was behind "The Great Queensland Tarp." The PS-A had little warning of the onslaught due to a terrorist attack on their surveillance satellite. Overnight the newly formed Israeli-Australian coalition mounted a surprise attack on Red Team's headquarters scoring several record-breaking socks! When the soldiers were asked about the amazing scores they achieved while assaulting the compound, their commander replied:
"I don't know anything about poles, we were just trying to knock them down."
Both Red and Blue team strategists have begun to research new socking methods based around the principle motto of "Don't try to hit it, try to knock it down." Major breakthroughs in the way Pole Socking is played are expected to result from the astonishing skill shown by coalition soldiers. During a short cease-fire Red Team Captain Cammi Falls went to parlay with coalition forces, and commented positively on their Pole Socking skill. Coalition commander General Zachariah Bliss was so enamoured with the illustrious Cammi Falls that when PS-A director Aaron Jer asked if the Israeli-Australian coalition would like to join as Pole Socking's third Major-League team he happily agreed.
The whole event went over so well that even Prime Minister John Howard has come out of his office and spoke to the public. His comments on the whole affair appear to be centered around removing most of the blame from all parties and taking partial responsibility for the 'ice comet" catastrophe. During an interview with PS-A reporter Elenkos he was quoted as saying:
Prime Minister Howard with Pole Socking
mascot "Georgio the Pole Socking Bird."
"I'm not running away from the fact that I had previously said I did not contemplate a major incident, and that was a fair statement of the Government's state of mind at the time I made that."
Howard also appears to have a biased stance towards the newly formed Israeli-Australian coalition Pole Socking team, saying:
"I don't think there's any reason on Earth why people should have access to automatic and semiautomatic mallets unless they're in the military or in the police."
Many Pole Socking fans have rallied against Howard's comment, complaining that Red and Blue teams would be at a severe disadvantage without access to military-grade mallets. Others have backed Howard's ambiguous statement, saying that Pole Sockings' pseudo-military structure should allow them the use of all mallets under Australian law.
For more information on the new team be sure to check out the upcoming team rosters at polesocking.com!
-Florin Denari, columnist
May 15, 2007
Thousands in Australia sent to an ironic grave!
The death toll in Australia continues to rise after the catastrophic failure to predict the course of the "ice comet" by leading PS-A scientists. The comet crashed to Earth 116 miles north of the designated zone, wiping the small town of Buckle off the planet. In addition to the townsfolk several thousand Aborigines, or "Dark Australians", protesting the Land For Water campaign were drowned in the ensuing tidal wave. The magnitude of the impact was also severely underestimated by the PS-A Science Division, and many more are expected to perish from the shockwave and debris. PS-A Scientist Patrick Volga had this to say:
"We're sorry, we don't know what we were thinking. That never could have worked."
In Australia the results are not pretty.
Surprisingly, all trials, demotions and punishments for the PS-A Science Division have been cancelled. After going through the paperwork PS-A officials have discovered the Personnel Management division to be at fault for this incident, having hired underqualified scientists over the past two years. After executing Chief Recruiting Officer Timothy Meiers, PS-A director Aaron Jer had this to say:
"I sure hope this scapegoat is good enough for Australia, because I've hit my execution quota."
There are already rumors of an Israeli-Australian coalition against Pole Socking in the works. Australian Prime Minister John Howard is attempting to save face by refusing to speak with any reporter about the PS-A.
For an up-to-date death count listen in on your local Pole Socking radio station.
-Barbie Shrimple, columnist
May 14, 2007
Pole Socking Administration (PS-A) takes a stand against Israel
Parliament majority whips Katsav,
Beilin & Rabbo
PS-A director Aaron Jer has served up a piping-hot retaliation for the Israeli government's resolution #5201. After coaxing several news reporters into an interview, he said this:
"Those Israelis are just mad because we wouldn't buy their dune buggy surplus. More like jew buggies! Hahaha!"
Reporters have also managed a short interview with PS-A Regulator Sergeant William Stone. When asked about the PS-A's defensive capabilites in case Israel decides to declare open war on the sport, he responded tersely:
"Holy ****! Israel is gonna attack us? Are you serious?"
As you can see, the PS-A still has a few hatches to batten down. Several veteran officers of the PS-A Regulators have declared their intent to retire, and we're promptly never heard from again. Some say this may be the end of Pole Socking forever, but they too have mysteriously vanished. For information on how to send your condolences to the families of the timid and the nay-sayers please visit the Pole Socking Emotional Support Routing Office nearest you.
More updates on this story as it unfolds.
-Taedar Masch, columnist
May 11, 2007
Pole Socking slammed by Israeli Parliament
In a shocking display of arrogance and political grandstanding, the legislative branch of the government of Israel today passed resolution #5201, declaring Pole Socking inhumane and uncivilized.
The resolution effectively outlaws all professional and amateur play, telecasting, Hilbert-bromide customization, and promoting of Pole Socking. 5201 also opens the latch on possible future trade embargos and espionage against nations which do not enact similar legislation. A reform bill to specify specific punishment is expected soon.
Please take action now by raising awareness in your community! Today has brought a critical blow to friends, profiteers, and professional victims of Pole Socking. But this fight will go on!
For more on this story, please stay tuned to your local Pole Socking television network. We will be bringing you updates all day.
-Benson H Wilbins, columnist
May 10, 2007
Pole Socking is Now Online!
Tentative Pole Socking Logo
Today we are proud to announce the launch of the official Pole Socking 2007 web site! We believe this site will help raise excitement and world recognition for the fantastic, fun, world sport of Pole Socking.
Get ready for a great year!
-Boduncan Pants, webmaster